His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
