She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
