Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize