dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
