I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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