you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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