I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
