Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
