Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
