I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
