I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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