i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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