He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
