I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
