Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
