U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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