Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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