Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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