Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
