dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
