I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
