the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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