I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
