if i can run in heels then i can drive
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
