I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want her autograph on my taint
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We smell like vodka and hangover
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