my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
