I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
