saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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