I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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