oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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