Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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