It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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