i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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