I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His hands were made for my vagina.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
