If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
