I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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