A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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