im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
