I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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