Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
