Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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