All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
