don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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