omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize