My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
