I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
