I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
