I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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