The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
