Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
