Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
