My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
