He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
that may or may not have been my penis.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
