u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
