i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk is not a location!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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