she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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