sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize