Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
