I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
