In America we eat man semen.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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